I don't get it. Al is way smart (former Mensa member), a whiz at math, science, computers, the best writer I've ever met, but he's not able to quit alcohol.
A rational person (that would be me) says: Al, you're smart, funny, nice. Why do you insist on destroying your health and life and hurting those around you by constant drinking? Why is it so terribly difficult to stop? Why do you go to meetings, admit you're an alcoholic, read the 12 steps, speak and listen, and still drink? Why do you drink before you go to a meeting? Why do you try to hide it? Do you think you're fooling anyone - your AA colleagues, your neighbors, me?" So many "whys" and no answers. Why?
I think it's the disconnect between the rational, non-addictive personality and the addictive personality. Rational people - and alcoholics when the thought process is unrelated to alcohol - typically act in a rational manner. We stop (or at least slow way down) at stop signs. We try to stay on top of our finances. We act in a manner that protects us, at a minimum, and furthers us, as we progress. But alcoholics don't act rationally when they've not yet truly committed to recovery. It's a vicious cycle.
Sometimes I wonder if the "one day at a time" motto may, for some, be self defeating. How many active alcoholics make that little saying the crutch on which they rely to continue to drink? Might the thought process go something like "tomorrow I'll quit"?
I don't pretend to know the answers. I'm not sure anyone does. All I know is that - despite all my readings, despite my academic knowledge - it's so sad to watch someone you love and care for sink deeper and deeper into a disease. It's a disease that, while there's no cure, there certainly is a work-around to avoid the disastrous effects.
Al said to me yesterday it's not like a light switch, on-and-off. But I sure wish it were.
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