He loves me, he loves me not.

Remember that childhood (girlhood might be more appropriate) game where we'd take a flower with petals, and one-by-one pick them off, with each petal alternating "he loves me" "he loves me not"?  That's how I'm feeling about my relationship with Al right now. 

Sometimes when I see him, I get a sense that, amidst all the other noise that's going on in his head, he still cares about me.  Othertimes, it seems that he can't wait to have me out of his sight.  That hurts. 

Today I picked up our cat from the house.  I told him when I would be arriving, and he told me he'd have her in her carrier when I arrived.  I thought that odd, as she is quite complaining when in her carrier.  I honestly thought that he'd reconsider so we'd have a little time to chat when I got there.  It wasn't to be.

I drove the 30 minutes, knocked on the door, and I bet I wasn't in the house for 30 seconds.  It was pretty clear he could not wait until I left.  I said something about talking, and he declined.  I wonder if he saw my eyes well up when I was leaving. 

And I wonder if he has any idea of the effect it has on me - whether it be a 30-second visit (wedged between 30-minute drives), or a one-line response to an e-mail, or no communication unless I initiate it. 

I wish I had an explanation.  Is it him, or is it me?  Does his anger toward me prohibit him from talking with me?  Is he in such a dark place that he's incapable of any kind of relationship, with me, a friend, or anyone?  Does he want to make our separation permanent, and doesn't have the courage to tell me?  Does he fear that I'm going to give him advice?  The questions, the questions.  With no answers. 

I need to return to the basics:  I am powerless over alcohol, and its effects.  I can't control him, but I can control myself. 

It still hurts, though.