Sarcasm

I'm beginning to understand what long-time AA and Al-Anon members say about needing to "work the program."  It's tough.

Detachment - the subject of my last post - is certainly part of it, but detaching isn't like an on-and-off switch.  Some readings emphasize the need for basic courtesy, which can also help.  But I struggle, struggle, struggle with the urge to be snarky, be sarcastic.  If something goes awry with Al, my first thought is "what a surprise, he's been drinking."  What my first thought should be, though, is "it's sad that his disease led him to suffer like that."   It's hard for me to bite my tongue (or fingers, if writing to him), but I'm really trying to work on it.

Sadly, sarcasm comes so easily to me.  I'm not talking humorous sarcasm - I'm talking the cruel variety.  Like jealousy, at best, cruel sarcasm is a most un-useful emotion; at worst, it's hurtful and destructive.  Why, then, is it so difficult to let it go?  What do I get out of it?  Am I holier-than-thou?

I need to reflect on moving toward balance in my life.  I must acknowledge that sarcasm is not helpful, either to Al or to myself.  Snarkiness is not going to prod Al into meaningful recovery - I'm not sure what will prod him, but I need to understand what for sure won't.

Al wrote to me this a.m. telling me that he had a bad fall last night, has a black eye, lacerations, and is hurting.  Yes, my first thought was "what a surprise . . . he's been drinking."  But I reflected on my initial thought, steered my mind into a different direction, and revised my thought to feel sorry for him, for his physical injuries and pain, and for what might (after all, I don't know if he'd been drinking) have led him to the injury.

I long for the day that I will have worked the program well enough to subdue those initial thoughts.