I took actions Saturday that I believed I needed to take for a variety of reasons. Although I acknowledge there is nothing I can do to make Al stop drinking and embrace recovery, I won't enable him to drink. As a result, the actions I took made Al quite angry with me.
The disease is so insidious that Al needs to blame everything and everyone for his quandary. These days, I think I'm his main target; in his mind, much of his predicament is my fault.
As I've mentioned before, Al has never been abusive, not close. But he does belittle me - or so it seems to me. He belittles my faith, my struggles, my opinions, the feelings that I've shared with him, even my job. Family members and friends have mentioned to me for years that Al's not very nice to me. But each time, I brushed it aside, making excuses for him. Finally, after years, recent communications from Al have driven home to me that he does indeed disparage me and what I hold dear. It hurts. I used to take it, and only request that he keep his voice down if we were in company. Now I realize that his conduct is not justified.
Sometimes I think when one is very low, a natural reaction is to bring another down as low - there's something about that, clearly, that makes a person feel better on some level. I think that's what Al's doing, unconsciously. But I won't make excuses for him anymore. I won't tell myself it doesn't bother me anymore. There is no excuse for belittling another, disparaging another. It hurts, pure and simple.
I know why Al is angry over my actions. If I were in his shoes, I'd be angry too - that's no surprise. I wish we could talk about why I took them, and talk about his anger, rather than have the conversation deteriorate into hurling hurtful insults.
This is just another issue that we'll have to deal with. I hope we'll be given that chance.
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