Yesterday, I wrote about how blessed I am. In contrast, today I'm going to talk about my anger. And angry I am, on several levels. One way to categorize anger is to separate it into the singular versus the universal. I can be angry about a single event, or angry about the totality of my circumstance. I'm not sure either is emotionally healthy, but both are powerful emotions that I need to address and deal with.
Today I'm writing about a singular anger, from this past weekend. Al & I have been physically separated for a bit over a month. But for a year, Al's family had been planning a family reunion. For reasons not apparent to me, Al really wanted me to attend, despite our separation. And for reasons not apparent to me, I agreed.
We departed for our 600-mile road trip. I drove, as Al lost his license last year (DUI) and won't get it back until August. We crossed the border, with my answering the standard questions: "what are you bringing in? - any alcohol, tobacco?" with my standard answer: "no, nothing." I lied. Inadvertently.
What I didn't know is that Al had at least one bottle of alcohol (likely vodka) with him. I wondered at one point of our journey when he held back when I went to use a washroom, and looked like he was going into something in his suitcase. I dismissed the thought. Then we got to our destination, met up with the (very, very nice) family. I noticed that Al would disappear from time to time. And I wondered.
Some time ago, I vowed not to go looking for booze. I kept that vow. But when Al fell asleep late Saturday afternoon - I knew. I suspect he would have slept through the evening meal - the main event of the weekend - had I not suggested to his sister that she go awaken him.
The next morning we were both packing. When I was near Al's suitcase I glanced in, and saw the unmistakable bottle neck.
It wasn't until we were in the car driving back that it dawned on me: I had lied to the border agent - a criminal offense - and Al fully intended that I lie again. He didn't care. I called him out on it. He was initially dismissive, then became angry with me for bringing it up.
Yep, I'm angry. I'm angry that not once, but twice in 72 hours Al was fine to put my ability to cross the border in jeopardy and exposed me to personal liability. I'm angry that he pre-planned buy booze to bring with him. I'm angry that I gave up vacation days and a weekend to drive him 1200 miles, and that he couldn't even lay off the vodka for 72 hours. I'm angry that Al cannot tell me - or anyone, near as I can tell - the truth.
And now, I have to figure out a way to let that anger go.
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